Badjelly13's Blog

meh

badjelly13 — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:30:23 +0000

I’m not sure what I was thinking, writing a blog.

No one reads it. Just random deluded ramblings.

I can’t even help myself, how can I possibly help anyone else.

Dark side of the Moon

badjelly13 — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 05:54:55 +0000

Work is stressful. They are making people redundant, and if I want to keep my job, then I have to work more hours for the same pay. If my job made me feel fulfilled and like I was helping others or providing something worth while to the universe as a whole, or even if it was just more enjoyable… this latest bitter pill would be easier to swallow.

I get home from working 13 and a half hours, I’m cold, tired and hungry. I start cooking tea and 10 minutes later the power goes off. I waited for about an hour, and still darkness. So I did a reading by candle light, which was kind of novel, and then resigned to my tired and empty state, went to sleep.

I am not sure how to attract the “right” kind of people into my life. Or equally as important at the moment, how to repel the “wrong” kinds of people. I feel harassed and bombarded from every angle. Not at all enjoyable. It does not help that I continually put myself down, doubt my worth and feel like I am not good enough.

The card I drew today was the moon: Key words; intuitions, fear, self deceit, illusion.
Key phrases: tricky relationships, being blind to the truth, unrealistic dreams, feeling confused, worried and apprehensive.

It does seem I have lost touch with reality, and am going against trusting in my own gut instinct.

The moon is concerned with our sense of belonging, safety and security. The darker side of my own nature is making me feel disorientated, afraid, anxious and vulnerable.

I need to trust in the deeper realms that serve to ground me, and remember that mystery permeates life at all times. I have to try not to let deception and distortion of the truth lead me astray from my purpose.

I have to identify my fears, trust my instincts, be clear what my goal is, stick to it, and find a way!

One door closes, another one opens?

badjelly13 — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 22:56:43 +0000

That’s what they say, isn’t it? That when one door closes another one opens. So what happens when the doors that are open to you, are not the ones you wish to go through? And what if the doors you would like to go through remain firmly closed despite your best efforts?

I am disillusioned with the people around me presently. All of them. Which would probably indicate that there is something seriously amiss with me. The dissatisfaction is growing in size every day, and my tolerance level for things I usually take in my stride, is running seriously low. People in general seem to waste a lot of time and energy thinking about, talking about, and generally obsessing over their ex’s… and I’m sick of hearing about it. Usually I would be more supportive. Listen, console, be empathetic, lend a shoulder to cry on. But I just cant anymore. I am worn out.

To much has been taken from me, and not enough given back.

So it was with a sense of wow! and also apprehension that the card I drew today was : Death Keywords for this card: are change, new beginnings, endings and transformations.
Key phrase: Let go of the past. Don’t fear being true to yourself.

Ironically enough, the death card is strongly positive. As one door closes, another one opens. Often in life there is a parting of the ways. When you need to stop struggling and accept the inevitable. With that acceptance comes peace.
It is important that I cut through the superficial and get down to the nitty gritty!

Letting go and accepting the cycles of change in my life is vital right now.

Changing circumstances are overwhelming my senses, and blocking my personal vision. I need to focus on sorting the things which are confusing me, so I can continue on with the next stage in my journey.

The zodiac affinity of this card is with Scorpio, whose motto “its all about me” may be a useful thing to remember as I work through re-writing my priorities and goals.

Peter Pan

badjelly13 — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 07:36:26 +0000

I seem to have spent a lot of my life trying so hard to please others, that I have lost myself in the process. I have been single for over two years now. Much of that time has been hard, spent grieving and healing and trying to get back on my feet again, in a material, emotional and physical sense.

Last night I took myself out on a Friday night date. Pizza, beer and a movie. Choosing the movie, I could pick anything I wanted to watch. Didn’t have to consider if it would appeal to anyone else but me. I could drink the beer, because I didn’t have to be anyone’s sober driver. I could choose a pizza that I wanted. No one elses preferences to consider.

The freedom was refreshing. For the first time in two years, I was o.k, even happy, to be by myself. I am unsure what has caused this some what radical shift in mindset. But in the words of Kimya Dawson “if I’m a spinster for the rest of my life, my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights.”

The card I drew today was the Page of Wands: the Peter Pan of cards Key words are: a messenger, fresh ideas, new insight and confidence.
Key Phrases are; Being willing to go in a new direction, showing enthusiasm, being creative, taking a chance, child like exuberance, and light hearted energy.

I need to look at all the options and be inspired by what I see before me. At the same time making sure that the excitement of new opportunities does not distract me from current projects. I need to make sure that I first tie up any loose ends.

My own child like exuberance or attitude could be preventing me from committing myself to any long term plans right now. I am entering into a phase of fresh optimism and passionate fun. I need to give myself permission to go out and enjoy myself. The more confident and inspired I am the more success I will have.

The page of wands has enough self belief and confidence to focus on what is beneficial in the long term. A reminder to that I do have a mischeivious and charming side, that needs expression too.

Cold and Lonely

badjelly13 — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:47:56 +0000

Work is very busy, so many people away with colds and flu. So much paranoia and hype over “swine flu”. I am not entirely convinced it isn’t just a clever marketing campaign by the makers of Tamiflu to move their soon to expire stock.

I was very excited about attending Winter Soulstice, especially as I thought that for once I would have some appreciative company. Alas it is not to be. I was once told that true happiness can be gained not by rejoicing purely in your own triumphs, but by celebrating (and not begrudging) others success. But as I listen to the adventures and plans of others, all I feel is an ache of loneliness swelling inside me. I am swirling round and round as if trapped in a whirlpool, struggling to simply stay afloat without being sucked down.

Add to that the intense cold of the weather! I have literally climbed into my bed the last few nights wearing all my clothes (except shoes), climbed out of bed and kept on trucking. No one has complained about the smell…. yet!

The card I drew today was the Ten of Wands: Key Words are; heavy burden, overload, uphill struggle, taking on too much responsibility. Key Phrases are; Being too willing to please. Over extending yourself, being all work and no play. Feeling you are to blame for everything. Having “blocked” thinking.

So I need to ask myself, is it my life that needs a re-vamp? or is it just my perception of my life? It is possible that I have become so wrapped up in the normal burdens of everyday living, that I have become directionless, have no goals, or simply cant see where I am going.

Are there any areas where I can lighten the load? Drop some tasks, delegate, and make sure that I take time out for pleasure and play and not just focus on work all the time.

Often we hang on to people and relationships, and work hard at pleasing others, for fear of being rejected. I need to try and expand my own awareness of myself. Let go of the huge burdens I have created for myself in my mind. It does not mean that I am giving up on myself. I need to stop blaming myself, and feeling guilty. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness, except my own. No more over committing myself to people and causes that do not appreciate my real worth.

I need to devote more time to me, and my own personal journey. If others truly love me, they wont stop loving me for doing this.

Back to Basics

badjelly13 — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 06:58:53 +0000

So I am chipping away making some decisions, and seem to be in a more positive mind set.

Firstly I am not going to be a solo mum. Going through IVF, using a sperm donor, and bringing up a child unsupported is to hard, and would be unfair to all involved. If stray children are like cats, and turn up on your doorstep when they need a home, then so be it!

Secondly I am going to make the most of the job I have at present. Be grateful for what I currently have and be satisfied with that. It allows me to look after myself and my small furry dependents, and I have done plenty of worse jobs for plenty of worse bosses throughout the years.

Thirdly I am going to continue to enjoy the blessings of where I live. An abundance of fresh air, trees, mountains, wide open spaces, starry night skies, the sea, bird song etc. I love it! Why should I trade that for the sake of being more conveniently located to people who don’t consider my company to be worth their petrol money.

I have been resting up, and want to focus on the basics. Eating well, drinking enough, sleeping and getting back into some low impact exercise. I miss my pilates! I need to cherish my body and learn to love it and accept it the way it is.

The card I drew today was the four of swords: Key Words are; Repose, temporary retreat, contemplation, inner fears, and emotional ghosts from the past. Key Phrases: Making time for yourself, slow down, find your own space, stand back and review the situation, take stock of your objectives and prepare for the future.

In the cold light of day I need to look at the fears and self doubt that I have. Which have been generated by the failures, pains, disappointments, and betrayals of the past. Contemplate the true nature of my current situation. Ask myself am I exaggerating my own desires? Or assuming too much? Once I have clarity within myself, I can focus on the issues at stake.

Taking a break away from something may allow me to have a more objective perspective. I also need to be conscious of unspoken agreements with others, and hidden agendas. Constructive communication is likely needed. As is some peace and quiet to prepare myself for new events and experiences.

Emotional Boot Camp

badjelly13 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 07:33:15 +0000

There are several major issues churning around in my mind at present. 1) my biological clock is ticking, 2) the death of my partner and best friend, 3) my dis-satisfaction with my job, 4) deciding where I would like to live.

As always all these things are intertwined with each other, and I am feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained, as well as physically run down. Some kind of emotional boot camp would be ideal. I need some realistic suggestions as to how to tackle and work through these issues, and a practical application.

I did a three card read, also known as a past, present, future… to try and get some insight into the above.

The first card (past) was the eight of pentacles: The key words for this card are: proficiency, diligence, discipline, and knowlege. Key Phrases: Being dedicated to the job, patient production, painstaking attention to detail, a repetitive or boring situation, and a desire to widen ones knowlege. I come from a past of being practical and hard working, known for being reliable and just “getting on with the job”. Bogged down doing the same old thing. Perhaps putting to much focus on material needs, and making a living, instead of on relationships and personal development.

The second card (present) was the four of wands: Key words for this are: celebration, joy, freedom, spontaneity. Key Phrases: Being released from the chains or responsibility, dumping emotional baggage, freeing yourself from others expectations, enjoying a happy event of some kind. Maybe I need to focus on the things I can do, rather than the things I cant? Have fresh confidence about my intentions and happier times and harmony will be ahead. Remove self imposed bonds, and free myself from circumstances that don’t suit me, and my person growth. Open myself up to new possibilities and leave the past behind.

The third card (future) was the page of pentacles: Key words: practical approach, realistic aims, concentrated effort, focus and progress, new projects. Key Phrases: Setting the wheels in motion, looking for a window of opportunity, knowing my limitations, some kind of financial messenger, or desire to be prosperous. Who are the financial whiz kids that I know, who have grounded ideas, are diligent workers who can turn a vision into a reality? I need to pick their brains! I may learn something new or important from them, or at least gain greater clarity about my situation, and opportunities. Am I putting off things that need to be done? I need to finish off existing projects and start planning some new ones. I am being very self focused at the moment, while this is not necessarily a bad thing, I need to remember not to ignore or be insensitive to the needs of others.

Plenty to work on there, I think.

Lust for Life

badjelly13 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:31:35 +0000

I have been thinking a lot about relationships and romance over the weekend. I often feel as though I am like a stray dog, starved of attention and affection, and wonder if the desperation in my eyes is what scares people off? Stops them from taking the time to get to know me. Makes them hide behind their “walls” so I do not get the opportunity to know them.
Add to this my recent purchase of a pair of all in one polar fleece pj’s, which are extremely ugly, but very practical (seems as I have no one to keep me warm at night, lol). I am resigning myself to the possibility that I may never have a sex life again!
So when I drew the “knight of wands” as my card, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or both. Keywords for this card are: impetuous, impatient, passionate. Key phrases are: charming but insensitive, loves to be loved, but hates to be possessed, adventurous and daring but restless and unreliable, self assured but vain.
This card represents extremes of energy, both negative and positive. In contemplation of any aspect of life, relationships or otherwise, try to avoid being impulsive and be sensitive rather than insensitive to the “heart” of the issue. Keep in mind it is all about our personal perception of the quality of the surrounding world and how we experience it ourselves.
This card can often denote a “knight in shining armor” who comes dashing into your life, without a thought for who you are, but who has their own self serving agenda. There may be a strong attraction, but you could be infatuated with a heart breaker, someone who wont commit, who is enthusiastic but makes empty promises.
It may be that your own impatient desire for sex and romance is dealing out the wrong kind of lovers.
But remember the Knight is all about vivacity adventure and action. Be passionate about life. Don’t fear restlessness, do something with it. Express your daring streak and try something different. Make way for both extremes of energy that the Knight of wands represents and enjoy what it has to offer.

Looking for Direction

badjelly13 — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 22:28:39 +0000

My library books are overdue. I had an interesting conversation with my deceased partners mother, about children, or more specifically wanting to have children, but not being able too. The person I really wanted to spend some time with, was called away to do something else. Things are uncertain, up in the air, so to speak, and plans are running a-muck!
The card I drew when asking for direction was “the hermit” one of the “major arcana”. These represent the deep archetypal influences and qualities at work in both the individual and society at large.
Keywords for the hermit are: discrimination, discretion, detachment and with-drawl. Key Phrases are: search for inner wisdom, needing the truth at all costs, wanting to be alone, looking for guidance or direction, with-drawl from a relationship.
The Hermit represents the most secretive part of ourselves. It reflects your need to look within for answers, do some soul searching, take a break from the rat-race, or other peoples opinions and formulate your own ideas.
Take a step back and look at the patterns of behavior, emotions, and feelings from past relationships and see what insight it gives you, as to whether you are presently taking the right pathway.
Ask yourself honestly if you have chosen to forget certain facts? or are refusing to face up to the truth?
Avoid rushing ahead with plans, take the time to reflect carefully, until you can discriminate what is right for you as an individual, and what isn’t.
It may well be that your own personal sense of isolation and loneliness is holding you back. Do not let the fear of being alone, cloud your decision making process.
The hermit also signifies that inner healing is needed in order to create a more emotionally balanced way of looking at life. There are many avenues we can explore to help guide ourselves out of the darkness and into the light. Seeking advise from older, wiser, family members or friends that we trust is highly advisable.

Its all about CONTROL

badjelly13 — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 22:25:09 +0000

So I was given some disheartening news, as often happens. The fact that I had been in the exact same situation quite recently, was not that comforting either. It just intensified the current sense of rejection. If there was an on/off button for my ego, it would be rather useful I think. Too remain objective, while not becoming over emotional.
The card I drew was the Four of Pentacles: Key words for this are; mean or miserly, possessive and control freak. Key Phrases are; Believing your way is the only way. Being resistant to change. Controlling others with materialism, manipulating through financial necessity.
The suit of Pentacles is very physical, related to material goods and earthly tangible things.
Useful things to think about may be; how you define what is your “territory”. Considering how you use your influence to attempt to control others.
Often when you feel powerless, it provokes you to try and get control of a situation. Especially when a relationship seems to be getting confused, or may be fizzling out. Realistically evaluate the control issues in your relationships. Accept that possessiveness is rooted in fear of change and emotional insecurity.
Also, ask your self, is someones mean and miserly influence encroaching on my life? blocking me from making the changes I need to, in order to progress?
Structure, organization and realistic planning are important now. As is the need to recognize that while we often have little control over the external physical world, we can control our inner reaction to it. It is our choice, and ours alone, to respond in either a negative or a positive way.